Rev's Ranch-West

A co-worker was discussing her fervorous disdain for a new television program in the breakroom today, citing that the new reality show “sucks”. I, over-analyzing everything, asked just how it sucks. She goes into production values, the obvious fake setup and scripted moments and so on when I interupt. “No,” I said. “How does it suck?” She stared at me, confused. “I mean, sucking. The act of fellatio, is it not”? I knew the orgin of sucking was that of “sucking dick”, “sucking ass”, or “sucking shit”, although the later iterations are newfound discoveries in clever wordplay. To suck, initially and defined, is to suck the sexual anatomy of a male being.

So I asked, “Do you like to give oral sex”? It was an uncomfortable question. She liked to give oral. She asked if I liked receiving oral sex. Naturally. Therefore, it was concluded when a medium’s poorly developed concept and presentation, such as this reality show were to “suck”, it would be a pleasurable feeling, like the news of the upcoming Arrested Development movie, or a referential-laden artwork like Jurassic Park. Or a guy receiving head.

The question flipped: “Do you like to give oral to a woman?”, she asked me. I hesitated. It was a true inquiry without any sexual advancement, so I answered honestly. “No”. There was silence. I did not know where this was developing. “Do you like getting eaten out, then”? I ask all too loud, my question reverberating through the halls and back offices of my workplace. “Well,” she began, tilting her head, entering deep thought. “I’d rather something else. I’d rather suck the guy’s dick”.

Ah, a development. We can agree. Sucking: It’s a good thing. But licking, that’s out. It’s a decrepit form of sexual arousal that is only used when “returning the favor”, and is only sought after by the rare enthusiast; a dying sexual act, gone away with the handjob. We turned our heads back to the television set, with no new knowledge gained, just opinions agreed upon. I gazed into the television program; terrible acting, poor music and sound effects, and cheesy last-minute editing.

“Boy, this show surely lick’s the ol’ vagina”, I say. “Yep”. She replies.